About

Stages of Retirement

Retirement Isn't What You Think

Many of us spend years looking forward to the endless hours of vacation-like relaxation we view as our just rewards for working 40+ years.

Every year on our family vacation I would think about how much more we can travel after we stop working. All the places we can see around the world. I would think about how much fun it would be to spend more than 1 week in any given location – can you imagine spending a month in Italy or 3 months in Australia? No need to rush from 1 activity to the next, cramming as much as possible into our limited time. We could relax and enjoy the adventure!

Every time someone asks me to volunteer, and I have to say no because I just don’t have the time, it makes me wonder how much more I can do after I retire. What organization do I want to support with my time? There are so many to choose from.

Each summer when we are overwhelmed with yard work (my husband is an avid gardener, and we almost always have a landscape project each summer) I think about how much better it will be when we don’t have to work around our jobs.

I am a marathon runner, but I don’t run very fast, so when I am training for a race it takes an entire day for my weekly long run – how much better will it be when I don’t have competing priorities and can just relax and recover?

These are the kinds of things many people think about when we consider our retirement. All the positive aspects of getting an extra 40 hours (or more) per week to do what we want with.

Phase 1 - The Honeymoon

The first phase of retirement is the honeymoon phase where all these dreams can come true. This phase usually lasts 6 – 12 months. It is what we have been envisioning for years.

We enjoy not having to get up with the alarm clock, not having to go to boring meetings and not having to listen to a boss. We have the freedom to do what we want, when we want and with the people we enjoy doing it with. The sense of freedom is exhilarating.

For many this is the first time in our lives when we have enough money to do the things we want to do and the time available to do them.

Jump in and enjoy it!!

Another aspect of this phase is that we are probably at our healthiest. In today’s world many people are far more focused on physical and mental health, but aging will eventually impact what we can do. Take advantage of being healthy and do the more strenuous, adventurous things now. Climb that mountain, learn to dive, or golf every day. Whatever you have dreamed of doing, take advantage of this opportunity.

But eventually we realize there is more to life than travel and golf (or whatever you decide to do.) Even when we are busy, we are not satisfied.

We discover there is a big difference between being busy and being fulfilled.

Phase 2 - What do I do now?

I remember when I was a child and summer vacation was so exciting! My mom was a teacher, so I spent every day at home all summer long. I could play outside with my friends or whatever I wanted to do. I knew which neighbor gave the best afternoon snacks, which neighbor would let us play on their jungle gym and which neighbor didn’t like us in their yard. There really wasn’t a schedule for me, I just had to be home by dark, or when the streetlights came on. I have many fond memories of my childhood summers.

At first all that freedom was awesome, but by the end of the summer I was bored and ready to go back to school. (I am sure my mother was ready for me to go back too.)

The second phase of retirement, the lost phase, is very similar to this experience.

You begin to ask yourself, “Is this all there is? “

You realize there is something missing. A vague feeling of discontent is common. After all – this is supposed to be a never-ending vacation, right? What is wrong with me? Why am I not happy? I have been waiting all my adult life for this.

What most of us don’t realize is when we stop working there are a lot of things we are going to lose:

Routine – As humans we do better when we have a sense of routine. Any parent who has had a problem consistently getting a child to sleep has probably received the advice to ‘get that child on a schedule.’ It turns out that need for a schedule doesn’t go away as we get older. A job provides an enforced routine and when that is gone it can be a struggle to prioritize. We may lose focus and motivation.

When I have a lot of time to get things done around the house, I often end up reading or playing video games, not doing the things I should. After all, I have plenty of time to get to it – and then somehow it just doesn’t get done. I do much better when I am busy and must prioritize or make a list to ensure I don’t forget something.

While many of us look forward to this loss of routine we are not ready for the psychological impact it has.

Identity – When you have to go to a social function with people you don’t know what is one of the ‘go to’ questions? “What do you do for a living?” How do we answer that after we are retired? For anyone whose whole identity is tied up with what they do for a living the loss of their job can be traumatic.

It doesn’t matter that it is a planned loss or that we have been looking forward to it for years – it is still a loss that needs to be dealt with. Even those of us who don’t exclusively identify with our job will still need to think about who we are when we are not employed.

How do you introduce yourself now? Often it is something like, “Hi my name is Dawn and I am a Retirement Coach.” We will need to figure out how to answer that question without mentioning a job, but instead talking about our passion.

Relationships – Have you ever changed jobs? If you did, have you tried to stay in contact with people from your old job when the only thing you have in common was the job? It is really hard. This doesn’t change when you retire. That friend you had lunch with every day isn’t going to be able to do that with you now. It will be fun to keep up with what happens at work for awhile, but your interests are going to change and so will theirs.

Studies have shown that people who are employed have about 22 meaningful social interactions each week. That means in person contact. It may be a meeting or just chatting with the person on the other side of the cube, but it is a social interaction. Those same studies show that once we retire that number is cut in half to 11 and those interactions are often virtual – so much less meaningful.

The loss of a social network can be devastating. The mental health effects of loneliness have been widely documented. Feeling isolated effects our whole being and can lead to depression, substance abuse and other destructive habits.

This loss is completely unexpected for many of us.

It will be vital to rebuild your social network outside of your job.

Purpose – What gets you out of bed in the morning? For many it is our job. It provides a sense of purpose. A reason to be somewhere, even when it isn’t necessarily where we want to be. When we stop working and don’t replace it with something else that we are passionate about we can lose our focus.

Unfortunately, retirement doesn’t come with extra motivation.

When we ask ourselves, why am I here and don’t have an answer that is a problem.

Power – Our culture is biased towards the younger generation. Have you seen the Geico commercials that make fun of turning into your parents? Some of them are hilarious, until you realize they assume that old people are out of touch and unable to interact effectively with the world.

This loss of power can be subtle for some of us. That dismissive look from a clerk when we fumble for our wallet, or the heavy sigh from a child when we fumble for the right word. For those that were executives the loss of power is even stronger. We are no longer considered experts in the field and our opinions may be dismissed out of hand.

This second phase is also where we will confront what Dr. Riley Moynes calls the 3 D’s **

Divorce – Have you ever heard the term ‘Gray Divorce’? According to AARP divorce is skyrocketing among people over 65. Retirement is a big change and brings stress to a marriage, regardless of whether you retire at the same time or not. This added stress can ring the final bell on a marriage that is already fragile.

Depression – Retirement is a massive change in lifestyle and in fact is one of the top 10 most stressful life events. The level of change can take many by surprise, particularly those whose whole life centered on their job. Rebuilding a life after a career takes time and there is often a period of mourning before we move on.

Decline – Aging is not for the weak. No matter how well we take care of ourselves physically and mentally we all get older, and it influences us. For some this could be a new diagnosis, while others deal with the progression of an issue they have had for many years. All of us will age differently, but with that aging comes some natural changes that we may not be ready for.

This is the phase where we experience anxiety, fear and perhaps depression.

Retirement is one of the biggest changes in our lives and it can be very traumatic as we try to figure out how to move forward.

Before we move on, I want to remind you that everyone goes through phase 2. Even if you read this entire book, do the workbook and walk away with a solid plan – you will still experience phase 2.

Retirement is a big change, and it takes time to adjust. Understanding that we will mourn the loss of our career and may struggle with some of the other aspects of this change can go a long way toward helping us cope. Part of this book is designed to help you build resiliency into your life so that you are better able to handle the changes that will come naturally throughout your life.

Phase 3 - Let’s Explore!

The third phase is one of exploration. As we ask ourselves why we are here, we start to explore the possible answers to that question.

We discover or rediscover what we are passionate about. This is the time where we may take existing hobbies to a whole new level and really dive in or try new things, we find interesting.

This phase is a time of trial and error.

Not everything we try will work out for us, but we keep going and experimenting. It is important not to give up if something doesn’t work out as it can be easy to slip back into the depression or anxiety of phase 2.

This is the phase where we need to learn how to say ‘no’ to those things that don’t fit with our values and our character. (More about values later.)

This is the phase where we say yes to the things we have always wanted to try or to things that we used to enjoy, but life got in the way.

My husband calls it the second adolescence – we finally have the time to do all those things we wanted to do when we were younger, but now, hopefully, we have the money to do them.

The third phase is where many people stop growing in their retirement. As they try new things, they fill their life with fun and once again have a purpose for getting out of bed each day. These new activities can provide the missing structure, social interactions, and positive reinforcement we missed from our jobs.

We find satisfaction in what we are doing.

For some, the fun isn’t quite enough, and they keep pushing to reach the final stage:

Phase 4 -Reinvented

Phase four is the reinvention phase. Not everyone makes it this far, but those that do are often the happiest retirees.

This is where we have recovered the 4 losses (Routine, Relationship, Purpose, Power) with a new identity. We don’t just have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, we have a passion that propels us each day.

For most people this involves some type of service. That doesn’t mean endless hours of volunteering, but some type of activity in service to others.

Let me give you an example.

I used to play a game where I would think about what I would do if I won one of the big lotteries, something that paid hundreds of millions of dollars. I would never be able to spend it all even if I bought everything I ever wanted.

What would I do with my life since I obviously wouldn’t need to work? Since money isn’t an issue, it is all about how would I spend my time?

My ideas changed over time, but here are a few examples:

• How to get clean water to people who don’t have access.
• How to provide affordable housing to those who need it.
• How to improve the education system for special needs kids.
• How to reduce waste in landfills

As you can see it varied quite a bit, but they are all topics I am passionate about.

Retirement will offer me the opportunity to pursue any of these – or I may choose something else entirely. That is the beauty of this phase, you can make the choices that are right for you and that bring you joy. Whatever I choose to do I will focus on using my talents to support that cause. That could be helping with a newsletter or doing administrative tasks to support someone else.

In this final phase you have reinvented yourself and discovered a purpose that launches you out of bed every morning.